Not Enough
What standards do you uphold yourself to?
For me, I always tend to hold myself to a higher standard and give myself more responsibility than anyone else.
I fell below my standards last week I didn’t write anything. I told myself that it was okay because I was stressed and overwhelmed so I didn’t. Well… that was written a whole 6 weeks ago now.
I started this about a month ago back… wow. I’m disappointed in myself. Why? Because I hold myself to a higher standard than anyone else. Because I know what I can accomplish.
I don’t hold anyone else to this standard, it’s me. I know what I can do. I know what I want to do.
I’m disappointed. I’m hurt. I’m feeling weak.
I know that I can do more. I want to do more.
“Trails are not enemies of faith, but opportunities to reveal God’s faithfulness” — Barbara Johnson
During this time while pursuing various post-grad options, I know this much, I don’t know what I am going to do professionally.
Here’s what I do know:
God is faithful. Always.
I will pursue my Master’s in Business Administration beginning the end of June
I will continue writing on Medium
I will read and listen to audiobooks just as much as I am now, if not more
I will be traveling to London, England next week
Here’s what I wanted to know:
Where I would be working professionally (I wanted to know this by the end of February). Obviously, that has not happened. I am disappointed in myself. I fell below my standards.
I am someone who is incredibly planned out, everything I do is strategic. Switching lanes while driving? That’s because of someone 4 cars up that moved, I’m reacting and planning. Arranging a meeting with a mentor? That’s because of something that is upcoming that they can provide insights on and would enjoy hearing about. I schedule my calendar around upcoming anticipated events, I think about the possible things that I know and also schedule times to be spontaneous.
That’s how I operate and that’s how I like it. Any personality test, whatever it is, I’m on very very strong on conscientiousness. A recent one that I took placed me in the 92nd percentile.
I’ve been called OCD, maybe I am (I probably am, though for all the organization that I love and am accustomed to, I do not like putting people in boxes — everyone is unique).
All that in mind… the standards that I hold for myself are the most strict. The standards that I hold myself to keep me at a higher level than anyone else’s standards for me.
These standards are the most important. I know that by meeting my own standards… I meet everyone else’s also.
So what’s next? I have been re-evaluating where I am at. I’m already taking action. One of my goals for 2019 was to write 3 articles each week. Well, I’m way behind now. But, that is okay. I have failed. That is okay. I’m not stopping here and I’m not accepting failure as the end.
I resume my writing, starting today. You can once again expect 3 articles each week through the rest of 2019 (and more than that some or most weeks, you’ll see why).
Of course, I cannot always meet my own standards. There will be times when I fall short. But, I will continue to reach higher and seek more.
“Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men’s blood. Make big plans. Aim high in hope and work”
— Daniel Burnham