The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
3 Bullet Book: 2020, book #57: “Your word is a demonstration of your purpose and your masculine core.” — David Deida
Finished on July 25, 2020
I had seen this book recommended a handful of times by some of the people that I follow on Twitter. I thought the subject matter would be particularly interesting and I certainly enjoyed the book. As I’m reading more and more nowadays, I focus on highlighting or noting only those things that are going to have lasting impact. This book had a great number of those takeaways. It’s always great to spend time going back and reviewing the items that stood out to me when I went through a book. I think that it will be interesting to spend some time thinking about the ways I can integrate these takeaways throughout my next relationship and even more so as I progress towards potential marriage. I find it valuable to learn from perspectives that I am not always exposed to on a typical day to day and this book reinforced many things that I had thought but maybe not studied at a deep level yet.
The 3 Bullets
1. There was a big point early on in the book that I knew but I didn’t truly know at the same time. David writes, “Your woman is going to test you and wants to feel that you are un-collapsible. Women enjoy testing their partner and want to know their partner is who they are regardless of the situation or whom they are with. She needs to know your happiness is not dependent on her nor your circumstances.” Rock solid. Unshakeable. Firm. Reliable. Consistent. That’s what a man is, and that’s especially what a man is within a relationship. Mature women recognize that they are so tapped into their emotions that, as the author says, “a woman’s word is her true expression in the moment.” They need to know that the man they are with is going to love and accept them and support them no matter what you are experiencing and no matter what they are experiencing.
2. The author focused around the goals within a relationship. He wrote, “Growth and intimacy: The direction and growth of a relationship are primarily the man’s responsibility. The energy and the intimacy — pleasure, sexual flow, and vitality — are primarily the woman’s responsibility. The man is responsible for the woman’s depth of love while the woman is responsible for the man’s energy in the body.” I had not heard an explanation such as this before but upon reflection, I think that it makes sense. Men are generally more of the objective and directive creatures while women more emotionally adept, connective, and intimate. It’s not surprising then, with that in mind, that the author explained this as he did. In a relationship, I think openness is one of the most important aspects that determines the success of both parties. If the man expects the woman to lead the direction of the relationship and the woman expects the man to do that, it’s not going to be unreasonable to conclude the relationship really won’t go anywhere. We need to really spend some time narrowing in on what it is we want in a relationship — and life — and then communicate that.
3. “The superior man takes full ownership for any depolarization and recognizes that any depolarization is a sign that he’s stopped giving fully of himself. When things get dreary, the superior man invades his woman’s body and heart with so much love and humor that she laughs, relaxes, and brightens in spite of herself.” This is, to me, what a successful relationship looks like also. When there are any missteps or points of friction or tension — as there will inevitably be — the man must course correct. The man must take ownership and bring the relationship back to where it needs to be. I see this in many relationships, people get comfortable and think that maybe the relationship can just continue and move onward. It doesn’t work quite that way. A lasting relationship, that lasts with strength and sustainability, needs consistent effort and attention. Every single day, no matter what. I love hearing about the couples who have been married for 50 years and have never slept in separate beds or have never missed a night of saying, “I love you.” That’s what I want. That’s what I’m going to work for and build. It’s entirely my responsibility to do everything I can to ensure that and have faith that a relationship like that is God’s will for my life.
Your sexual essence is your sexual core. You always attract your sexual reciprocal. The mission or the search for freedom is the priority for the masculine while the search for love is the priority for the feminine.
Your woman is going to test you and wants to feel that you are un-collapsible. Women enjoy testing their partner and want to know their partner is who they are regardless of the situation or whom they are with. She needs to know your happiness is not dependent on her nor your circumstances.
The masculine style of speaking is saying what he means and meaning what he says. In the feminine reality, words and facts take a second place to emotions and the shifting moods of the relationship. A woman’s word is her true expression in the moment.
Instead of arguing about what your woman did or didn’t say, establish love and intimacy first.
The basic rule is this: Don’t believe the literal content of what your woman says unless love is flowing deeply and fully in the moments when she says it. Even then, know that she is probably talking about her current feelings and not the current subject of whatever she is talking about. Never base your plans on what a woman says she wants to do unless she is in the full flow of love when she says it. And even then, expect her to change her mind when her feelings change.
Praise always magnifies the qualities of your woman. It’s always better to call the glass half full than half empty.
Women cycle through periods of openness and closure. When she is closed, physically expressed love and humor are much better than trying to talk. Do not try to talk about her mood, do not tolerate it, participate in it and bloom her into fullness.
90% of a woman’s emotional problems stem from feeling unloved. Finding the cause of her problem usually does NOT help. Convert the emotional issue into love. Assume she is like a flower that needs to be watered. Once she is relaxed and her mood has been dissolved with your love, talk about anything that still needs to be talked about.
You must encourage your woman to trust in your masculine capacity. You must provide your insights and clarity and perspective. Always help your woman make decisions and let her know you’ll love her no matter what decision she makes. Always tell her what you would do and why for the sake of polarity, intimacy, and happiness.
Couples balance each other. If a man is very masculine by nature, he’s going to be attracted to a very feminine woman. If a man is more balanced, he’s going to be attracted to a more balanced woman.
If you want your woman to have a true connection and relationship with you and be more than just a companion or housemate, you must skillfully maintain your household and livelihood. She can be the mother of your children and even your business partner as long as these functions do not cut into the privacy of your purpose. Spiritual awakening and sexual transmission cannot be allowed to be diminished through your daily duties.
You must identify and understand the purpose of your intimacy and align all other activities around that central priority if you want the intimacy to maintain and increase potency for both people.
Your word is a demonstration of your purpose and your masculine core.
Although a woman seems to want to be the most important thing in your life, she actually can trust and love you more if she is not.
The superior man takes full ownership for any depolarization and recognizes that any depolarization is a sign that he’s stopped giving fully of himself. When things get dreary, the superior man invades his woman’s body and heart with so much love and humor that she laughs, relaxes, and brightens in spite of herself.
A woman’s core is fulfilled by love. A man believes intimacy is something to be enjoyed in addition to their purpose.
Growth and intimacy:
The direction and growth of a relationship are primarily the man’s responsibility. The energy and the intimacy — pleasure, sexual flow, and vitality — are primarily the woman’s responsibility.
The man is responsible for the woman’s depth of love while the woman is responsible for the man’s energy in the body.